So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I currently don't understand fingers.
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