So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
She's the barista slut.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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