I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
