Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
