mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
