he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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