I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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