I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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