is your mom at the bar?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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