It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
