Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I will be naked everywhere
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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