my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm sobbing to NWA
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
