Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
