it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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