I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
