We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
