My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
