She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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