I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
