You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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