i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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