I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
