9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
