I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
