i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
