is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
