So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
