You don't have asthma, your pregnant
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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