I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
