"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I fill condoms, not promises.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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