hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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