Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
