So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
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Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
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Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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