Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
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