The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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