So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
