You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
