I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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