Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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