This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
