I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
