WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
