Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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