I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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