I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
