I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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