You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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