I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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