Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
