We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
