his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
