why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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