So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
