I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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