Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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