He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
