checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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