Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
