Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
