Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
