I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
